My conversation with Lara Birk, PhD reminded me so much of the work I do with women navigating complex family systems.
The circumstances are different — Lara's story is her own. After developing a rare medical condition as a teenager and undergoing 17 surgeries, she eventually found tremendous value in the world of mind-body medicine while also discovering that parts of its dominant narrative didn't fully reflect her lived experience.
But underneath that very specific story is a dilemma I recognize constantly in my work:
What do you do when your own experience tells you one thing, while the system you're inside tells you something else?
For many women, especially those raised in complex or influential family systems, learning to trust yourself can be surprisingly difficult. You may have been conditioned from a very young age to look outside yourself for the authoritative interpretation of reality: to the parent who "knows better," the family hierarchy, the advisor, the doctor, the attorney, the expert.
Expertise matters enormously. But problems arise when respect for expertise quietly turns into distrust of your own perceptions—when someone else's authority begins to carry more weight than your own lived experience.
One of the most moving threads in my conversation with Lara was the experience of not being believed. She spoke about how that can eventually become internalized. You stop merely wondering whether other people believe you and begin wondering whether you should believe you.
To me, that is one of the most insidious and most painful consequences of living inside a system that consistently interprets your experience for you.
And then comes the harder developmental task: finding your way back to your own voice without requiring yourself to reject every outside perspective, blow up every relationship, or leave every system you're part of.
If you'd rather listen than read, you can watch the full podcast episode below.
One of the most powerful moments in our conversation came when Lara reflected on something she once believed:
"I thought, to have connection and belonging... authenticity just has to be a casualty. I can't do both."
And then she described the realization that changed everything:
"It's not that authenticity precludes connection and belonging. It's a prerequisite for true connection and true belonging."
That distinction feels incredibly important to me. I think many of us unconsciously believe that belonging requires us to edit ourselves.
To soften our opinions.
To minimize our needs.
To ignore what doesn't fit.
To become just a little more acceptable to the people around us.
Sometimes those adaptations begin as intelligent survival strategies. Sometimes they're necessary. But over time they can become so automatic that we no longer recognize the moment we've stopped consulting ourselves altogether.
This is why I don't think the work is about rejecting authority. It's about developing an inner authority that can stand alongside it.
One that asks:
How do I listen to the expert and listen to myself?
How do I stay connected without shape-shifting into someone more acceptable?
How do I recognize when adaptation is wise—and when it has crossed over into self-erasure?
These aren't questions with one-time answers. They're lifelong practices. And they are some of the most meaningful conversations I have with clients.
Whether they're navigating a family business, inherited wealth, complicated family dynamics, a marriage, a career, or simply trying to trust their own instincts after years of second-guessing themselves, the challenge is often the same:
How do I remain connected to other people without becoming disconnected from myself?
That's why this conversation with Lara moved me so deeply.
Her story is about medicine and chronic pain. But I think the deeper themes belong to all of us: courage, self-trust, authenticity, belonging, and the long process of learning to believe your own experience—even when it complicates the story everyone around you is telling.